Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Terrible Theological Pick Up Lines

Yea yea yea.... two entries in one night, get over it, I'm falling behind. I stole this from a Perry Noble blog link. Some of these you will get and some you won't.

Seeing as how I used to be a singles pastor, I thought that I would give you some of the tips that I gave my singles on how NOT to lure the right one to your side. (Thanks to Carrie for her help!)

20. ”I am not overweight. The word ‘glory’ in Hebrew is kabod which according to HALOT literally means ‘heaviness.’ The Bible also says that we are to reflect God’s glory. Therefore, I am just doing what the Bible says.”

19. “Looking at you makes me reconsider preterism, because you are heaven on earth.”

18. “Paul said that it was better to marry than to burn. Therefore, I am under God’s mandate to marry you.”

17. “Here, let me take care of those tithes.”

16. “You may not have chosen me, but I have chosen you.”

15. “I could not help but notice you were exegeting me instead of the text during the sermon.”

14. ”Your name must be grace, because you are irresistible.”

13. ”There are six things that motivate me to talk to you, yea seven that turned my head.”

12. “Until this moment, I thought I had the gift of singleness.”

11. During communion say, “Can I get you another drink.”

10. “The Bible says that God is not concerned with outer appearance . . . neither should you.”

9. “The Good Book said that I might be visited by angels unaware, but something must be wrong with my interpretation, because I am perfectly aware of you.”

8. “I noticed you crying during alter call, can I help?”

7. While giving her a TULIP say, ”This Totally depraved person has been Unconditionally drawn to you, Limiting himself to your Irresistible beauty that is Persevering beyond all others.”

6. “God may be the bread of life, but you are the butter.”

5. “The site of you leaves me apophatic.”

4. “Well, gouge out my eyes and cut off my hands. If I hang around you much longer, I won’t have any limbs left.”

3. “You must have missed The Fall line, because you are lookin’ righteous.”

2. Sing this to the tune of George Strait’s “Chair”: “Excuse me, but I think you’ve got my rib.”

1. “Are you homo or homoi?”

Hang in There!

I find myself saying this to people from time to time who are dealing with an issue that is not easily resolved. The thing is, I feel kinda silly saying it on a few different levels. First, it probably feels a bit condescending to have this said to you when you're going through something and the other person seems to be doing fine. I'd probably be rather quick to think "Yeah, it's really easy to hang in there when you're not dealing with it." Secondly, it just seems like "fluff." There's no meat and potatoes to practically helping them with their issue in the phrase. It is just something you're supposed to say. Thirdly, when I say this, I'm usually not really worried that they are about to stop "hanging in there." They're gonna stick it out whether I say so or not, so saying it really does nothing.

But I've come to the realization that everyone else probably came to eons ago. Do it anyway. Just because you're worried you may come off condescending doesn't mean you will. Sometimes someone who isn't dealing with the same problem can help the most. Also, it's not always just "fluff." No matter how casual the encounter, be it a pat on the back or a thumbs up, the person can walk away with a real sense of encouragement. Just because you don't think you're giving practical help, you're giving encouragement, and that's usually a big help. And even though they aren't about to stop "hanging in there" encouragement can make whatever they're going through easier. So hang in there!






Also, puppies help:

Sunday, September 23, 2007

Jeremy,

I'm sorry I called you rambunctious. I still love you.

-The Management

P.S. See you Wednesday!

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

My Day Off

Well, I'm gonna call it a day off. I got off work at 3:30 as usual, but today I didn't have to work anymore after that. (No church office, no working for my dad etc.) I have got so much done since then. Tons of clothes folded, room cleaned, car cleared of trash, bills paid, and currently in the closet.

Now I'll have you know this is no mere closet. It is a cavernous expanse that consists of a cache of treasures and perils that defy reasonable sense. I haven't used this closet in any significant capacity in about 4 years. After leaving for college, my brother laid claim to my room an began to use it as his own. Basically my stuff became buried under half a decade of sibling silt deposition. Therefore, tonight I, not unlike an archaeologist, excavate my closet in search of treasures and new storage space.

I have thus far discovered:

1. Eight pairs of shoes (Six no longer fit, throwing all away.)

2. Two trombones and a trombone stand

3. A full band portrait from my sophomore year.

4. Two Nintendo Entertainment Systems. ( I don't know if they still work, I'll try blowing on them)

5. My boy scout uniform.

6. One Super Nintendo Entertainment System

7. A pair of bright white bell bottom dress pants that were my dad's.

8. The 1998 Union County Basketball Association 12-13 year old age group "Runner Up" plaque. (The highlight of my entire life)

9. The game of "Risk"

10. One bone from a cow's vertebra. (I'm not kidding)

I'm about half done so far. Back to work.

Saturday, September 15, 2007

It's That Time Again

About this time every year, it happens. And I think it happens to everyone at some point, but I'm not really sure if I'm a little early. It's been going on all week. It's a deep longing for it, but an understanding that it can't happen yet, otherwise it'd suck. It started this Monday at work when I caught myself whistling "The First Noel!" I'm ready for Christmas! It was a little cooler today. That's gotta count for something, right? This will also be my first Christmas since I've gotten my spiritual act together!

Christmas has never been a big thing at my house. It's been probably 10 years since we've put up a tree. I think I went out for Chinese last Christmas with my dad like that Christmas Story movie that plays for 24 hours on TBS. (not kidding) I can't remember if we did gifts or not. But Christmas at my mom's house is incredible! She usually starts shopping in march. And on more than a couple occasions she's told me she had already bought my gift mid summer. She eats Christmas up! She decorates everything. She has a "Christmas version" of everything in the whole house. Suddenly, there appear Christmas coasters, glasses, plates, serving dishes, even a little Christmas-esque mouthwash cup dispenser in the bathrooms. Plus everything is covered in fake holly. (except the ceiling fans since the fateful season 1999) She has probably 4-5 nativity scene figurine sets that go in different rooms. She has a whole wardrobe of Christmas clothes, and seasonal music is played constantly. Also it seems every homemaking woman has their "thing" that they simply must have every version of. My aunt's is lighthouses. At her house there is about 10 things related to a lighthouse in every room. My mom's is angels. She has crystal angels, porcelain angels, wooden angels, angel ornaments, even a little tin angel that hangs in her kitchen. Plus! Oh my freaking Lord she can cook! Oh my gosh I can't take this anymore. I'll have to get back to you after I get some supper. (and yes, it's "supper" not "dinner")

Thursday, September 13, 2007

Excellence

My days have become full. You can probably tell this because of the infrequency with which I have updated this blog as of late. I started a full time job last week 7-3:30 assembling insanely complex textile machines. I get very dirty. But I am committed to helping out at the Elevation office just after work on Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday until pretty late. (Hopefully it's only late for the next few weeks.) I love it. On Tuesday and Friday evenings I'm normally housekeeping or working part time for my father who seems not to realize that I have my own job now. Saturday is my day to read and possibly do something with friends and go to bed early. Sunday is the big day. Wake up at 3:30 am and get home at 4 pm if all goes well and nothing is happening after 3rd service. But this hasn't been the case for a while and I usually end up getting home around 11 pm somehow. For instance, I had to go to two meetings today, and was late for both of them. Suffice it to say that I started to get a bit burned out! What's that you say?! Adam, the archetype of "nothing is too much, send me anywhere and it'll get done" is dwindling??? Alas, I was. Until tonight.

The second meeting was about production volunteers at Elevation. And how we are to strive for excellence. There's a lot depending on how you act and what you do. And if you're doing it in Jesus' Name and with His Authority, it had better be excellent. I'm living my life in Jesus' Name, and I've been tempted to be less than excellent. That's over tonight. I'm not saying that Christians never get burned out. I'm not saying you should do more stuff. I'm saying do what you do excellently. No more, no less. If you aren't excellent, figure out why. It may be that you're trying to do too much and are overwhelmed, or you are doing too little and haven't the field to showcase your calling. It may be that you're doing the right amount, but the wrong thing! Be excellent in Jesus' Name!! The lease I can give is My Utmost for His Highest. (a great book)

Sunday, September 9, 2007

Let Me Just Say...

The clean clothes in my laundry basket are not getting folded tonight. I've been conscious far too many consecutive hours to mind the fate of my wardrobe falling prey to wrinkles. Behold! I offer for your consideration the art of "Throwing Your Stuff Back in the Dryer for like Ten to Fifteen Minutes to get the Wrinkles Out While You're Taking a Shower"! This cryptic ceremony is privy only to the most learned martial artists in the south pacific, and, since I'm offering it for your consideration, you.

Step 1: Find Wrinkly Clothing.

Step 2: Throw Your Stuff Back in the Dryer for like Ten to Fifteen Minutes to get the Wrinkles Out While You're Taking a Shower.

Step 3: ....

Step 4: Profit

By Jove!!! Brilliant!

(I've been awake for around 20 hours, sorry.)

Saturday, September 8, 2007

In Christ Alone

In Christ alone my hope is found
He is my light, my strength, my song
This Cornerstone, this solid ground
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm
What heights of love, what depths of peace
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease
My Comforter, my All in All
Here in the love of Christ I stand

In Christ alone, who took on flesh
Fullness of God in helpless babe
This gift of love and righteousness
Scorned by the ones He came to save
‘Til on that cross as Jesus died
The wrath of God was satisfied
For every sin on Him was laid
Here in the death of Christ I live

There in the ground His body lay
Light of the world by darkness slain
Then bursting forth in glorious Day
Up from the grave He rose again
And as He stands in victory
Sin’s curse has lost its grip on me
For I am His and He is mine
Bought with the precious blood of Christ

No guilt of life, no fear in death
This is the power of Christ in me
From life’s first cry to final breath
Jesus commands my destiny
No power of hell, no scheme of man
Can ever pluck me from His hand
‘til He returns or calls me home
Here in the power of Christ I’ll stand

It's weird to me when I sometimes have a really great evening when God just puts amazing peace in my heart and I end up listening to old hymns and praying for what seems like forever. It's weird because I feel like telling everyone how awesome it was the next day, but the next day that idea just seems silly and I realize it was one of those "you had to be there" moments. Tonight is one of those nights for me. I must have listened to this hymn 10 times. It's always good, but tonight it was great. Sometimes I guess I get a little overly sentimental and nostalgic. This will all look very alien to me the next time I read it. It's past my Saturday bedtime, night-y night.

Wednesday, September 5, 2007

Tuesday, September 4, 2007

My Small Group

My small group is breaking up in a couple weeks. It's kind of bittersweet. I consider myself very lucky to have been put with such great people. I have witnessed the greatest turnaround in my life during my tenure with these guys. I went from not attending a church in 5 years to getting way more involved than I ever thought possible and yearning for more. And I have formed relationships with people that I honestly didn't think were possible at this level. It's been great.

But the sweet part of bittersweet is that the reason we're breaking up is because we're splitting! The Dr. Rev. Billiam Eyecandy M.D.; Ph.D.; Ob.-Gyn. (I think it's a game to make Bill's name more and more ridiculous, partly because he calls Greg Gary.) is starting his own group with a couple guys from the existing one and Ben and I are going to be co-leading a group with the other guys from the existing group. I'm also starting a high school small group, but I'm not sure what the turn out of high schoolers will be. (I hope hundreds) I'm really excited. Whenever I'm doing some reading and it says something that relates to genuine community, I write it down in hopes of sharing it when my group starts. Of course I do have some pretty big fears about it along with the excitement. What if no one talks and we get done with the questions in 15 minutes and are just staring at each other. What if I go off on some rant like I feel I do too much instead of leading the discussion. What if we don't get along. Will we ever figure out what the heck is going on on Lost? How many licks does it take to get to the tootsie roll center of a tootsie pop???? To many of these questions, the world may never know. But it's ok to be afraid. Do it anyway. :)

Monday, September 3, 2007

Time

Wow. I don't really feel up to the task of crafting a blog entry entitled "Time." The concept of time is so daunting that some revere it almost to the point of worship. Others seemingly squander it in meaningless pursuits. Time is the ultimate limited resource, making it the most valuable asset you have been given. This is why it's so intimidating for me to venture into a talk about it, but ironically, it's also the reason I feel I should talk on it.

Spend time wisely, but also spend it generously. Because time is our most valuable resource, spending it is the greatest way to show our love to God and others. We are called to give monetary assets to God, (tithe) but we have other income to fall back on, and if not, there are many resources to keep you from starving. But you have no idea how much time you have left. Spending your time with God or another person is kinda like saying, "I have no idea if I'm going to die tonight,but you are the most important thing to me now." Buying wives and friends more stuff doesn't say this at all. Money can be replaced, you're not going to get a time raise from your boss and live to 200. So how much is your time worth? Whatever you're willing to sacrifice to avoid spending a given amount of time, the moment is worth even more still.

For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. - Luke 12:34

This is usually meant to get people to give money to prove their heart is in something. I don't know about you, but I treasure my time just as much if not more than my money. Treat time like you treat money in many ways, except that money is like the $1 chips and time is like the $100 chips. Your heart lies where your time investment lies. If you treasure time and donate 50% of your money income to the church, your treasure doesn't lie there. If you treasure time and buy your family the nicest things to occupy their time while you are spending your treasure at work, your treasure doesn't lie with your family. And neither does your heart the Bible says. Show your love by giving your time!

Sunday, September 2, 2007

Everybody's Workin' for the Weekend

It's corny I know, but I think Elevation volunteers do just this. We pull it off with flying colors. (Even when many people abandon us for the holiday weekend!) And when we hear a sermon about volunteering, it isn't because we're doing a bad job and need to improve, it's because volunteering in the name of Jesus Christ is a form of worship. Now, of course, not all "good" Christians volunteer from 5am to 3pm every Sunday. (For instance, I was a slacker this morning and came in late at 6am. For this terrible transgression I was forced to bear the awful prize of Nick and Bill's shunning scorn.) I'm not some crazy guy that says if you don't volunteer at the church office like a part time job then you're going to hell, but I do believe it's a sin to disobey God if he calls you to that. Some people are just called to do other things that are just as great. Some people's call may be to labor all week for some other day for His own purposes. Here at Elevation, we're all called to work for the weekend.

Saturday, September 1, 2007

Procrastination

Some people see this and think, "Oh yea I procrastinate all the time too", but I'm terrible at it. For instance, I just remembered the hamper full of clothes on the other side of the room contain articles I want to wear tomorrow to Elevation's Triple Header Super Sunday Extravaganza. I should be in bed now, (my alarm goes off at 3:30 am) but I'm up waiting to put clothes in the dryer. I could use this time to be taking a shower, but I hate doing it while the washer is running because the rinse cycle summons unspeakable pain borne from a scalding steam-water mixture for anyone so unlucky as to be caught in the shower.

I wonder if there exists an anti-procrastination pill. You could probably make the argument that some special mixture of PCP and cocaine makes it impossible to procrastinate. While on it it's literally impossible to put something off. As soon as the idea pops in your head you simply must act on it, regardless of the fact that it's 3 in the am. Of course, the threat of rioting mobs springing up due the most mundane of reasons and huge chance of death with every dose would probably put a damper on the FDA approving it. But I must admit the thought of blacking out around bedtime and coming to in the morning to find that my house has been cleaned, laundry done, and a brand new gazebo built in the backyard isn't ALL bad.

Ooh, I think the washer is done!